I’m going to miss this view. I enjoy feeling the range of my human being, like feeling grateful for the chance to have a perfect little studio that overlooks a bay with a gorgeous sunset to feeling the grief of my time here ending. We can choose how to feel, and to choose positivity can be a bypass for feeling pain, pain that can lead us to holding deeper space for the range of what it feels like to be human. I could go off on a tangent here about interpersonal relation, but if you know you already know. We don’t always have to carry each other’s pain, but to be a great space holder (to me) means to sit with someone and be a sounding board for them. It is usually much easier to do (well) if the space holder has experienced a similar depth of feeling.
So yes, I am so lucky and grateful to have manifested this precious space. And yes, I am grieving the end of it. Also yes, I am grateful for the next room that will also be lovely in its own way. It’s not about what’s better, it’s about what is and allowing it to be equanimous.
And as I dig deeper into my feelings, my shadows that have emerged more now as I enter back to partnership like work milieu, I sense the depth of stress I have always encountered. I sense grief of freedom in my schedule. I sense frustration from not feeling/being heard by men, or being corrected by what seems to them to be factual where I see it as perspective. I see through interactions with some folks how my artistic taste (like music) can only be delighted in (for them) when under the influence of substances, whereas it fuels my creative independence. Even truth is a matter of perspective in my world, and that can be very controversial, especially when passion and a lifetime of purposeful work drives a person’s perspective.
If you can’t already tell, this is a lot for me to take on. As a highly sensitive person, it’s seemed impossible to keep up with the standard pace of life in patriarchal corporate America. The alternative leads to poverty. I will not give up or settle. I truly believe that women’s work will become a part of the economy, that a yin lifestyle will gain socio-economic value, that the work of love will be rewarded. ⬇️